Jared Kowalski

Keeping
Giant Eraser: For getting rid of big mistakes.
Parkour 101: A handbook on how to do all kinds of sick jumps and flips and things that cool kids did in whatever year it was when parkour was hilariously big. Would probably be more useful outside of your current environment.
Plastic Light Sword: A shitty knockoff lightsaber toy. They didn't even bother making the flashlight part look like anything but a regular flashlight.
Fridge Poetry Kit: Now you too can make nonsensical poems or leave really disjointed messages on any handy metal surface!
Moxxi-Brand Playing Cards: Each of the face cards has been replaced with a pin-up of a woman wearing a lopsided top hat.
Nailbat: It's a bat with nails in it!
Thermos: It's a Thermos. Good for storing soup and other warm fluids.
Taser: Useful for self-defense!
Frosted Honey Bun: A delicious baked treat, individually wrapped.
WILFRED WARFSTACHE: A bright pink, fake mustache.
Boxing Gloves: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
Fake Blood Capsules: Scare your friends (and enemies) into thinking you've been stabbed, cut, grievously injured, so on and so forth!
Tracking Collar: Acts as a location beacon for the wearer, or it would be if it weren’t broken and inoperable. Sized for a large adult.
Treasures n’ Trapdoors Board: Nobody knows whose turn it is, or who's winning or losing.
Fanny Pack: Looks disgustingly tacky, but at least it holds your stuff.
Plastic Light Sword: A shitty knockoff lightsaber toy. They didn't even bother making the flashlight part look like anything but a regular flashlight.
Bubble Trap: It fills the room with bubbles when you step on it!
Penargilon Kangaroo: A Moxx-tail, courtesy of the Up Over Bar. This one is dark purple and comes in a standard bar glass. Makes everything feel...faster?
Flash Bang: Shield your eyes unless you want to get blinded for the next week.
Axe: A one-handed axe. Watch where you swing it!
Oxy-Clean (x2): BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT OXY-CLEAN-
Arctic Cowboy Brand Deodorant For Summer Sports Perspiration: For when you don't need your ripeness giving away your position.
JK Rowling's Twitter Account(x2): Now you too can forge the future of canon! Too bad you don't actually have ECHOnet access.
Box of Chocolates: A metaphor for life, perhaps. There's a lot of coconut mixed in with these.
ECHO Recorder: A portable voice recording and playback device.
Rubber Ducky: It makes bathtime fun. (traded from Priss)
Lighter: Because everyone needs fire sometimes.
Swimming Trunks: A colorful pair of men's swimwear.
Boomerang: Make sure to catch it when it comes back to you!
Knife: Just a real fucking knife. Bet you weren’t expecting THIS!
Mr. Fish: He's been reduced to the form of an angry blue Magikarp. Extremely grumpy, but also loves Jared a lot. (Received from Parker)
Ghost Pepper Vodka: Drink responsibly.
Thresh Prince Poster: A large poster for an old TV show starring Troll Will Smith.
Boomerang: Make sure to catch it when it comes back to you!
Sparkly Cloak: It's not magical in any way, but it might make you feel like it. Comes in orange!
Sponge Pill Animals: They turn into various types of fish when you let them soak in water.
The Complete Works of Taylor Swift: A small portable music player with the entire discography of one artist.
An Entire Pumpkin: What?
Dumb Bells: Heavy hunks of iron used by bodybuilders to beef up their biceps.

Consumed/Traded
Replicated Kali-fal: A Moxx-tail, courtesy of the Up Over Bar. This one is teal and comes in a cone-like glass. Forcibly opens up the sinuses.
Cheese Basket: An assortment of delicious cheeses, crackers, and sliced meats.
Takoyaki: An eight piece set of takoyaki, straight from Osaka -- better eat them while they're still warm!
Eridium(x3): A glowing purple brick of ore. Seems valuable, but why is it glowing? (fed to Butt Stallion)
Space-Duck Tape: It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together. (traded to Priss)
Cup Noodle(x2): The perfect, self-contained meal. In delicious shrimp variety.
Perfect Parka: A lovely red raincoat that somehow fits you. (gifted to Red)
Wolf Nightmare Plushie: It's the fierce protector of the Station Grounds--oh wait, it's just a plushie! A gift from Red. (gifted to Ryoko)

Trading
Ibuprofen: A general use pain reliever.
Axe: A one-handed axe. Watch where you swing it!
Photograph: A photo of Rex Splode and Atom Eve, both in their super suits, sporting peace signs. Rex's arm is around her waist and they look happy.
Lyre of Slime Immemorial: An eccentric instrument that brings back memories of a bygone age.
Jack Mask: A disturbingly realistic skin-like mask.
Onepiece: A simple one piece women's swimsuit. Not actually all that sought after by pirates.
The Little Black Dress: An all-purpose classy piece of formalwear.
Hat Trick: A snazzy purple tophat.
Multivitamins(x2): A large bottle of daily vitamin tablets. Take with water.
Spaceman Outfit: A blue outfit with yellow gloves, boots, and shoulder pads. Very Spiffy.